To My State Representatives

Dear Senators and Representatives,

My husband has been talking about this wall a bunch of people want to get built.

I'm sure you all have a good plan on how to go about building it to keep people out of our country but I have an even better idea.

Why not just turn all the maps upside down? You know how you're supposed to when you drive down instead of up?

Just print the maps with 'Merica on the bottom. I'm sure it will fool everyone and will work at least as well as your wall idea.

Thanks for your time,

Mrs. Bertha Sue

To My City Council

Dear Council,

We have a serious problem in our community.

Aliens.

Yes, aliens.

I know some people think this should be a sanctuary city but we have got to stand firm!

Those aliens are awful, sneaking into our country in the middle of night, abducting our husbands and keeping them out all night! Doing horrible experiments on them!

My poor husband has to take three or four days off work after a night out with them.

Why just last week, he headed to the barn about seven in the evening to make sure the animals were okay for the night. He didn't come back inside until after four in the morning! When I asked him where he'd been he mumbled about those aliens kidnapping him again!

It's the tenth time this month!

Poor man! After an encounter like he had last week, he spends days just resting on the couch, watching Wheel of Fortune, and drinking beer to forget the horrendously invasive experiments they do to him.

I personally think any group that abducts our husbands and then anally probes them should be deported. Especially since I think my husband is starting to enjoy it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Bertha Sue

To My Tattoo Artist

Dear Rob Bob, our family tattoo artist,

As I'm sure you already know times are rough all over. 

Things here could be better. We've had a lot of bills come due that we thought we could put off. But since the county passed that new law limiting the number of roadkill animals you can pick up and use in a restaurant, a large portion of our income has been restricted. 

As such I thought I'd write to you and request an extension for payment of our family tattoos. 

I really hope we can work something out, I'd hate for the entire family to have one butt cheek repossessed. I'm not sure how that works or where my husband would put his wallet if you had to do that. 

He's a lefty see, and if he puts his wallet in his left hand pocket it makes him limp from being off-balance. 

Please let me know if you can grant an extension. My husband has said for years he works his ass off but I doubt he meant it was available for repo.

Thanks, 

Mrs. Bertha Sue

To My Cranky Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

I heard you and your wife discussing my cat the other night when I went outside to my patio.

I am very sorry that my cat used your tree as his toilet. That is what cats do though and you threatening to call the police on him was a bit extreme don't you think?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Bertha Sue

P.S. My cat's name is SaulPaul, not Jebediah. Jebediah is my husband.

To the Electric Company

Dear Power Company,

I am writing to let you know I will not be able to send in a payment this month. I know I said I would last month but tragedy has struck my family and I must delay sending you my check. I hope you will understand.

See, my auntie's brother-in-law's mother had a pet raccoon. His name was Joe Bob Alexander. Any-who, Joe Bob saw something swimming in the kiddie pool my sister got for him and dove into the water.

That was a bad choice. That something swimming in the water was an exceptionally territorial fawn. I have to tell you, Disney has lied to us when they say all wild animals get along! That fawn ripped apart Joe Bob.

Animal control said it was more likely a mountain lion, but the only animal we saw in the area was the fawn and everyone knows Animal Control is part of the governments way of tracking you and your guns.

But I digress, the whole family really loved, Joe Bob and so we all got matching tattoos of him on our right buttock, the only place my uncle Erwin hadn't tattooed yet. Well, as you can imagine paying for a tattoo of a raccoon on the buttocks of nine people, my husband and I as well as our seven children, is rather expensive.

In exchange for letting my bill slide for a month, I've enclosed several coupons that I had been saving. There's one for $.50 off a package of Marlboros, though at the convenience store off highway 16 they'll let you use the same coupon for multiple packs, a coupon for $.75 off Steak-Umm, and $.35 off ham and cheese loaf.

Thank you for your patience, here's hoping we don't lose another pet to that vicious fawn,

Sincerely,

Mrs. Bertha Sue